Features & News
Team Talk: E3 Predictions!
June 5, 2011, Author: The TIMJ Team
Welcome to the first of a new feature for This Is My Joystick! In Team Talk, a group of our staff writers will discuss a given topic; it could be a team opinion piece, discussion transcript or we could just use it as a chance to show a bit of what makes us tick when it comes to gaming. What better time to get some of our team together than E3 2011, as we collectively list our predictions for one of the biggest annual events for the games industry.
Be warned; not all of us* have taken this seriously.
*None of us…
Trent Pyro (Staff Writer):
- Activision to explain why they took the hard work of Infinity Ward and hired other studios to finish it off to make another Modern Warfare title, despite the fact they have no right.
- Vince Zampella and Jason West to make assassination attempt on unlucky Activision lackey tasked with presenting the above.
- Portal 3 to be announced. Featuring Ricky Gervais and Karl Pilkington in unconfirmed voice roles.
- New FIFA Soccer trailer to be shown. New features to include slightly better ball physics and the option to bribe your team to the top of the league. Realism to be cited as chief reason for improvements.
- Game of Thrones: The Video Game revealed to be in production. Development began two days after the first episode was broadcast. Title is still subject to change.
Phil Ubee (Staff Writer):
- Seabass to tell the world that this year will see a complete overhaul of the gameplay in PES, that extensive work has gone into the online mode and there will be more licensed teams than ever.
- Nintendo to announce that Zelda: Skyward Sword will be delayed again to coincide with the launch of Wii2/Project Café.
- Peter Molineux will announce Fable 4 and claim it is the most immersive gaming experience he has ever worked on, with “limitless possibilities” and every act has massive consequences.
- Sony and Nintendo admit defeat to Smartphones in the handheld battle stating that they will focus their handheld energy on producing top class smartphone titles to rival Angry Birds.
- Sega reveal that they will re-enter the console market in the next generation with “The Moon Project”. Set to include separate segments for Blue Ray, CD, Hard Drive and a Cartridge slot for backward compatibility that stack like a Hi-Fi.
Debbie Lloyd (Staff Writer):
- Microsoft will gloat for two hours about how their online system is flawless.
- Sony will spend two hours grovelling ,begging us all for forgiveness before announcing some shiny new toy their first-party developers were ordered to create over the last month.
- Nintendo will announce yet more remakes of classic games to cash in even more on their best franchises.
- Kinect will be heavily featured with some games that are actually designed for the ‘hardcore’ market..
- There will be something announced that doesn’t use motion control (maybe…).
Neil Hughes (Site Manager):
- Microsoft will be desperate to outshine everyone by announcing a new console but with very little actual specification, design or evidence. They will simply tease, leaving you non the wiser.
- In a desperate bid to make people dust down their neglected Kinect system that hasn’t been used since Christmas, expect lots of adult orientated games aimed at real gamers.
- Sony will be heard saying “sorry” repeatedly, before attempting to drum up excitement for Metal Gear and Uncharted 3, only to be by saying sorry once again.
- Nintendo will announce that motion control gaming was all part of a cunning plan to send the opposition down the wrong route and now everyone else has committed to it, they are dumping it for their new console because it’s old news. Probably not likely but would love to see Microsoft and Sony’s faces if it did happen.
- Countless uninspiring sequels such as Assassins Creed, Metal Gear, Resident Evil, Mario, FIFA, COD, Battlefield leaving the feeling that E3 has been the same for the last five years. Expect trendy types to mask this by saying “Project Café” and “HD” in every sentence.
Andy Knight (Podcast Editor/Occasional Staff Writer):
- Sony will offer up Kevin Butler’s ass to any Playstation Plus subscribers as part of the welcome back package.
- Peter Molyneux to admit he virtually abused Milo with Kinect during the development process. Thus explaining why Milo disappeared never to be seen again, and why Fable 3 was so bad.
- Activision will use the billions they’ve made off the CoD series to hire a private army to go all “No Russian” on anyone stood near EA’s Battlefield 3 booth.
- Nintendo will reveal the most powerful console on planet! For about five minutes until Microsoft unveil their brand new console.
- Gearbox and 2K games to make a sheepish and embarrassed announcement: That due to a last-minute technical hitch… Duke Nukem Forever is delayed once again!
James Sheppard (Staff Writer):
- A chuckling Microsoft representative admits that they were responsible for the Sony hack, and that they did it “just for the shits and giggles.”
- Activision cancel Modern Warfare 3, citing lack of profitability as the main factor behind their decision.
- Sony reveal a new scheme, involving the employment of a Playstation Gestapo, and additionally, rewarding customers with free games if they snitch on friends who attempt to hack any Sony network/console.
- Nintendo reveal that the Wii 2 taps into your brain’s synapses, using complete mind control and instilling mental visualisation, for the most exciting and immersive gaming experience ever known to man. Launch titles confirmed are: Virtual Poodle Groomer, Ultimate Frisbee Championship, and Dora the Explorer: Let’s Explore the Museum.
- Rockstar announce that GTA V will be set in The Lake District.
James O’Leary (Staff Writer):
- Everyone will mention the Sony hacking in their press conference in some way.
- Nintendo will announce Project Café, with the flagship game being Cooking Mama. Delia Smith will be launching a range of peripherals including cutlery and salt & pepper shakers. Jamie Oliver will be aiding Nintendo in creating the slimmest console to date, at just 2cm wide.
- Call Of Duty 9 will be announced, set in space with laser beams. You fight as the patriotic American Space Marines against the evil Space Russians in a super cold war over the moon. The game will be a subscription based game, priced at £1 a minute, and will contain three guns and just one map.
- Battlefield 1066 will be announced, promoting realistic graphics and an extras mode where you can stitch the Bayeux Tapestry from scratch.
- In all seriousness, the things I expect (and hope for) this E3 are: Sony and Microsoft announce no new hardware, Nintendo don’t announce another DS (we’ve only just had the 3DS for gods sake), Battlefield 3 and Batman: Arkham City will steal the show, and Nintendo will show us graphs… lots of graphs…. My biggest hope for E3 this year though is that we actually see the Star Wars Kinect game that Microsoft showed us last year…
Andy Corrigan (Editor):
- Microsoft to announce new hardware in some capacity; portable or otherwise.
- Halo remake confirmed and the next installment outlined.
- Sony to start their press conference apologising profusely for everything. The others simply point and laugh. Microsoft will thank them personally for the downtime.
- Nintendo to surprise everyone by getting major third-party support on Wii2/Project Café, with big franchises making the jump.
- Mirror’s Edge 2 and Borderlands 2 will be announced.
Michael Charge (Staff Writer):
- Microsoft announces a wi-fi only device, running Windows Phone 7 that can play certain Xbox Live Arcade games.
- Microsoft also announces a large number of popular games (like Mass Effect 3 or the next Ghost Recon) will use Kinect in some capacity
- Kevin Butler appears on stage at the Sony Press Conference and apologises for the hacking instance. He then tears the head off of Marcus the PSP kid. Only half of this is likely.
- Nintendo announces Project Café is actually them releasing games on Sony and Microsoft platforms. Shareholders freak out.
- Battlefield 3 and Bioshock Infinite will be joint Game of Show.
Ray Willmott (Site Manager):
- Sony to offer a monster apology to the press and public at large. Even though they’ve already apologised once, the issues are still not fully rectified and there is no better platform than E3.
- Project Café to offer incredible third party support like no other Nintendo console before it and even manage to get a few exclusives which other systems won’t get til later on down the line!
- Microsoft to reveal a handheld and finally get into the handheld race vs Nintendo and Sony. You can’t tell me they’re not cooking up something big, they’ve been way too quiet!
- Sony make more of their collaboration with EA and announce some exclusive content for Battlefield 3 and Mass Effect 3. Move support for both? Both games in 3D? Additional missions and map-packs? The possibilities are endless.
- Microsoft announce a shock Kinect game, a reboot of an old classic. Magic Carpet once again takes to the skies, empowered by Kinect and brought up to a better standard than ever before with High Definition visuals but complete with the old vintage charm! (One can dream, right?)